The Greener Side of Grumbling: A St. Patrick’s Day Misery Memoir

Ah, St. Patrick’s Day. A time for shamrocks, shillelaghs, and enough green beer to turn the Chicago River into a radioactive isotope of Sprite. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a firm believer in celebrating cultures and downing a pint (or three) for a good cause. But somewhere between the leprechaun parades and the plastic top hats, the magic of this holiday gets a little… diluted. Let me explain.

Image by DaPuglet on Flickr (Creative Commons)

Pinched by the Plastic Pinchers:

First up, the pinching. A tradition as old as, well, someone deciding to pinch someone else for not wearing green. Look, I get it. It’s playful (supposedly). But here’s the thing: my outfit coordination skills are already questionable on a good day. Do I really need a rogue finger sneaking up on my backside to remind me I haven’t embraced the emerald aesthetic? Besides, haven’t we graduated from plastic pinchers that resemble angry cartoon lobsters? Give me a sprig of rosemary or a friendly nudge, people. My dignity (and backside) will thank you.😊

The River Runs Green (and Kinda Sticky):

Speaking of questionable aesthetics, there’s the whole “dying everything green” phenomenon. Don’t get me started on the rivers. Chicago may be known for its architectural marvels, but on March 17th, it becomes the Emerald Lagoon of Questionable…